Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in mexicilliano's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 2nd, 2006
1:03 pm	The game, again My friend once told me to write down my dreams, so I do. So, I'm in this game again. I feel like I've had this dream before. We're in the first "stage" or "room" or whatever. At this point in the dream, I know it's a game. But, I feel if we lose, or get capture, or die in the game.....we die for real. So, this room is all filled with cushions that you see in McDonald's playgrounds. But, they're adult-sized, and there's multiple routes. And there's boobytraps everywhere. We're going in a big group, and I feel as if one route has a huge boobytrap. So, we take the highest route, and I think a few of us land in a trap and are dropped to the lowest route. A few land in the middle route, and two or three people land in the big boobytrap. They eventually die, I believe. So, somehow I also die. I can't remember how. But, my only friend there "inhereted" my body, and if he made it through the end, then I got my body and he got his. So, I'm now free to roam around, and I watch as other people hit booby traps and slowly the group gets culled. In the end, I make it out, and realize there's a time limit. So, I urge this guy to make it to the doorway at the top. He makes it just in time, and the door closes. We realize that the rest of them are going to die, and we want to see what happens. We pull the cushion that acts as part of the doorway apart from what seems to be the wall in the next room, which looks like treated redwood, and my friend watches. He says it's just a small girl with a cigarette that goes to them, but I don't remember what happens after that. So, then we enter the next room, and it's all nice redwood like I saw before. And, there seems to be a few people not in our group standing around. I forget how they're dressed. They explain us the rules for the next "round" or "room". And this is where my idea of this being a game is confirmed. But, they seem like they've been through this before, and they "scored highly" or something of the like. Which is why they're proctoring this section. It seems, someone has to go up to the front part of the long room. Oh, I should describe the room. It's about as wide as a tennis court (plus the out of bounds region) and as long as two of them. At the front is the Chapel (I think that's what they called it). Someone has to go to the front and ask a question at the altar, for why I don't know. One reaction I know of is, bats come flying out. Then, we have to take our weapons (which magically appeared in our pockets, of course - I think we're all wearing street clothes, and I can't remember if our weapons were leather straps, ribbons, or maces....any of those wouldn't suprise me at this point) and beat down these bats. Occasionally, a "vampire" will pop out, and we need to do away with him by using this token that will either remove him, or give us one free life. I don't know of any other way to remove the vampires after that. So, the first round goes, and we get the few bata that pop out. Next round, a few more bats pop out from the chapel, but then this guy appears at the ceiling and starts harrasing us, and makes us miss the bats. Also, I feel like there was some kind of "health meter" going on invisibly, such that the vampire was dropping us in health. So, we beat him to the ground and hold him down, and then this guy decides to banish him. The vampire, by the way, is dressed in all-black. He doesn't have regular teeth. It seems like this guy is wearing either a mouth guard or something, so it looks like his upper and lower jaws are only shades of black with four rectangular jewels on them, to simulate eight big blue teeth. The guy pulls out his token, which apparently is a styrafoam cup. And he proceeds to vomit into it. But this isn't regular puke, this is just apple cider. Ya know, cause of Haloween, vampires, apple cider. So, I THINK the vampire drinks it and vanishes. But at this point I was waking up. So I don't know what happens next. But MAN, I wanna find out the other levels! (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 20th, 2006
8:25 am	A friend once told me to write down my dreams, so I do. I have died. I'm crossing over into heaven. Amazingly, you don't just cross over into heaven. First, I walk out onto this little buggy-type thing. I don't know where I am. On the top of this buggy, there's propellers like a helicopter. There's no roof on this thing, just the propellers. There are two guys at the front and the back, they seem to be guides on this celestial ride. I remembered how I died. I was supposed to act in some play, what I thought was a major role. But, I didn't want to do it. So I procrastinated, and did other things. It seemed to me like I was in another country at the time, so there was plenty of things I wanted to do. When it came down to showtime, I looked at the script, and noticed that there wasn't much for me to do, so I learned it. After the show, I got into this buggy I spoke of. Apparently, I had died, or was already dead after the show. I think my mother is with us. Anyway, the guy in front is driving. He pushes the controls, which are a streering wheel and some other bar, and then we fly off. We travel through what seems to be this warp portal, and then all I remember is that the driver was gone and we're stuck somewhere. And something needs to be fixed. So, I jump in front while someone fixes it, and we're off again, and I'm flying this semi-helicopter contraption. We fly through this rainbow of colors, which seems to be the route to heaven (I'm assuming), and finally hit another portal, and then I don't remember anything. Next I remember, I'm flying a different buggy along a similar path. The buggy is in a garage-type setting, except the garage is rainbow-colored like the other part of the dream. When everyone's ready, I start up the vehicle, and we're flying. We have to fly around a little bit, until the seconds control can make the portal so we can fly to heaven. I think, at this point during the dream, I never actually reach heaven, but I know that's where I'm taking these people. We fly through some city, and then through some portal again, and then I don't remember what happened after that. And next, I remember that it's been about a year since I died. All the people getting on the buggy this time are people I recognize from school. I definetly remember Liza looking haggard and out of place. One of the girls wishes me to pleasure her (there has to be a sexual part to every dream, right?). But I don't. After being dead for a year, I said, you stop feeling such things. The only desire I had recently was to fly the transport and to serve God (which is where I picked up the religious reference). I tell them that they're all dead, and to let that sink in. They beg me to fly around the city some more, and I succumb to their requests. Except, we're not in Columbus, and I don't recognize the city. The portal-switch isn't working no matter how many times I press it. I fly on some more, and then I see this HUGE portal; it seemed to be the kind a higher power makes when you've messed up and they want to bring you in. So, I fly into it, and when I passed through, and landed, noting happens at first. We were in a room, not rainbow like the places before, but more a black-grey-purple kind of mash. After the room was formed, odd things started popping up in it; toys, some golf clubs, chairs, weird stuff like that. People started climbing up different pieces of the room. Eventually, some kinda of message started playing through a speaker somewhere (I'm not ruling out divine powers at this point); we had to rebuild our vehicle to continue further. The toys on the ground were actually toy weapons of war, that would come to life and battle with us, and those toys we set up to protect us. After some time, we were winning. I was setting up the propellers with four golf clubs when I woke up. (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 4th, 2006
12:59 pm	My friend once told me to write down my dreams, so I do. I don't remember the first part. Something about a really smart friend of mine, studying space, etc. I also remember driving around some zombies (I think), or maybe it was just angry townspeople. We're by a place hangar. Also, something about my family being in Hawaii in this huge house in a tree (it's a sweet house). Then I remember going to this creepy old mansion. Horror movie-style and everything. I'm running around it, and it's like it's a video game (again). There are other people here, trying to do the same thing I'm doing, but I don't remember what that is. Then I find this one hidden door, and when you go in the door, there's this ladder that goes down lots of floors. At the bottom is this tunnel, with some water. In crossing the water, you have to do something to these two sharks that are there guarding it. I figure this out, cross the tunnel, climb up another ladder, and find I'm outside of the mansion, on the roof. I've figured out the ending, and I've "won", but for some reason, I go back inside to look for my brother and sister, who are also doing what I'm doing. So, we're at the top of the ladder. I hit the switch, which I guess is what does the shark thing, and the water level rises, etc., same as before. So, we go down, but for some reason we're swept out to the side. And then I see something, which I can't remember now, and the two sharks are here. Somehow, they turn into people (I think), and I find that we're by the damned hangar (which is, of course, flooded and underground). I find out the sharks were actually astronauts dressed up as sharks killing people in this mansion. They now are quitting their job so they can be picked up by some aliens because NASA isn't paying them enough any more. So, what they're doing is getting this 80's minivan ready to drive away underwater. I'm pretty sure that this hangar is filled with air somehow, so we're all able to breathe. I also see Craig Morrin working with the astronauts, and he eventually goes off with them. So, one of them gives me a rebreather so that I can get out of here, and I think they lend us this other car which will drive underwater, and take us out of there, as well as these other people who worked with the astronauts. So, now we're out, and we take the other people to the surface. We have them mass-apply for jobs at a NASA base, along with my other smart friend. They're living in our house in a tree in Hawaii. I also remember, having this horrible feeling that I'm going to miss my parents, and hugging my brother and sister, and wondering what we're going to do, as we're driving home. I guess, the astronauts were my parents? And then I woke up, and still had that feeling. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 14th, 2006
6:30 am	Someone once told me to write down my dreams, so I do. Man, that sounds like the intro line ot a movie. I've had parts of this dream before. I can't remember a reocurring dream I've ever had. MGC pulls up, and we go through this castle-like place, and for some reason we're supposed to be singing either for ghosts, or statues, or something ethereal. We walk through, and eventually we get to this place where the people/statues are singing to us. And then they stop, and we sing to them, and then it's all good, and Brian tells a sob story about how we're so great. And then the guy in charge agrees to house us at the place for the next two days so we can sing for someone important (apparently it was an audition). So, the guy gives me a set of discs that he used to audition us, and told me to give them to someone. Well, I walk outside and get a little lost. I see this one guy and ask him to show me where the person is I'm supposed to show. He, at first, doesn't hear me, and I have to follow him inside. When he realizes what I'm asking, he slows down, thinks, grins, and then leads me to a door. At this point, I realize I'm at Harvard (in my dream). He takes me through some doors that look like walls, through the new chapel that used to be the old honors dormitory (it's quite small), and then up through the toy room, where I KNOW something weird happens, but I'm not sure what, since we jump out of the first window we come to. I'm hesitant at first, but then do it. We're in a kind of flying car, and we zoom around the corner of the building and stop. We're next to the building next to us, and I can see on the roof, outside of a door are two girls smoking. I recognize them as being to actors in the group that sang to the MGC as we walked in. I scream out of the window of the car, but before they could respond, the asshole driving the car puts it down to a garage back in the original building. He kicks me out of the car, and then tells me to get out. I'm walking out of the garage, and a bunch of rich kids walk in (it's Harvard), so as I walk out between them, some of them follow me. I cross the street, and pass a tree, and I see something weird. I see a person that seems to be made all of bark, and he gets up. For whatever reason, I know there's something special I have to do. I reach into....somewhere, and pull out, maybe a mushroom? It's a handfull of something, and with my left fist I punch a hole in his head, and with the other I jam the thing into his mouth. He starts convulsing, but apparently is just pretending, as he looks up at me and then smiles as he finishes eating his snack. He doesn't look all that menacing at this point, so maybe it just neutralized him. But now I'm looking at the tree, and it's pretty fucked up. Around the base of the tree, maybe at knee-height, the tree is totally torn up. But, it looks as if from the inside out. It looks as if someone stuck a bowling ball inside the tree, attached a chain, and then yanked it out as fast as they could. But it also looks like the tree ripped, and didn't break apart like I think wood should. And then there's the hands. There's a grid of square holes, about 5 inches on a side, about that. In every hole is a pair of hands. I look, and see that there's either 3 or 4 fingers to each hand. And they're all looking at me. So, the barkman is trying to persuade me now. He keeps saying "I want you to fuck the one with two fingers. I want you to fuck it reeeeal hard. Fuck it long, hard as you can." etc. etc. Somewhat disturbing. I look and notice on top of the one with four fingers, there's one with two fingers. I hadn't noticed it before because the others were so dense. But now, the hands in that hole are all the way in the back of the hole, where I can't reach. The other hands are jumping out of their holes and pointing at the 4-fingered hands. At this point, when I feel I'm about to make my decision, the dream cuts away. Now, I'm in bed with a girl who was raped, and I'm thinking to myself....I've been here before. I realize it's a dream, because I'v had this part of the dream before, with the tree and the hands and the mushroom. Except, it worked last time. So I remember, there were two things with the mushroom. And then, when we finish, and I"m asleep, she does something, but I'm not sure what. When the dream cuts back in, she has a bag wrapped around her neck, and she's cutting it up. It looks like it was a blood transfution, but I'm not sure. It seemed to me, in the dream, like everything was connected, but I was missing parts in between. What a weird dream. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 9th, 2006
8:47 pm	God, I'm such an exhibitionist. Grad school next year? Meh. MGC next year? Hell yeah! God, I LOOOOOOVE performing. Cheers! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 28th, 2006
11:32 am	My friend once said to write down your dreams. So I do. It's me and a bunch of people, and we're invading a house for some reason. Something about getting rid of an infestation of bad things. We're carrying guns; shotguns, so I know this isn't all that real. If it were real we would be using rifles. Anyway, we go blasting through this place, and it's full of....gorrillas. Crazed gorillas that want to kill us. I don't remember who else is with us. Eventually, I die. I think it was in some way that saved other people from dying. But they die anyway. So, now I'm dead. But there's an afterlife, and it's a little messed up. Apparently, all that's left of me is some bone that doesn't even resemble a human bone. But, no, there's a part there in-between. Maybe, the part about going through the house is after I'm dead. Yeah, I think that's it. So, when I get killed by the gorillas, that's me dying in the afterlife. It's some kind of extra thing. Anyway, so I'm this bone. And I'm not a human bone, and I can....actually feel myself starting to go numb. I see that I'm just in a line of bones, like in a backbone. And there's skulls in part of the line, and I think that I'm being used to create some other type of creature....which I think gets explained to me, but I don't remember right now. I can feel the energy leaving me. I decide that I enjoy life way too much. I start to wishing that I were not dying. And, for some reason, I build flesh on the bone that doesn't look like a human bone. And I am now alive in the afterlife. But there are lots of people around, and for some reason they panic right now. And it seems like a good idea to kill them all. And, when you come back to life in the afterworld, you ALWAYS get some sort of powers (flying/superstrength) and I use them to clear the room. The bones collapse into this jar-type thing. And, I find I'm in a train station. For whatever reason, the people I was clearing the house with are alive. Maybe they didn't die. Anyway, they come to where I am, and insist that I have to die, because it's bad when you don't die when you're supposed to. But I tell them I don't want to. So, we hang out in the train station for some more time. Some people try to come kill me, so I kill them.....which I'm still a little confused about, since it's the afterworld, there shouldn't be killing. Eventually, I blow some of the other train cars up (of course with my superpowers) and then notice that there's this guy in the jar. He gets out (through the side of the jar, as if it's just part of the liquid he's in) and it turns out he's completely blue. So, I jump in.....and it seems like it's really painful. But now, I'm watching myself in third person. And it seems really painful. At this point I wake up. I remember the other people I was with. There was a girl, and the black, and the blue guy, and some other guy. And when I wake up, I wake up in the DREAM. And I find out I'm the girl, and I was having a nightmare. So, my friends show up to tell me it was just a bad dream, and it turns out.....all my friends in the first dream are in this one two. Weird....... (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 26th, 2006
10:52 pm	I have been stagnant all quarter. It turns out, it wasn't an ulcer. It was just very low iron. Not anemic low-iron. I gave too much blood iron. I didn't recover enough iron over the past year from giving so much blood, apparently I fucked myself up. In your liver, there is a source of crystalized iron. Every time you give blood, some of that iron is removed to recover the loss of iron in your blood. So, if you don't intake enough iron in your diet over the next 2 months, your iron reserves are lower than last time. It's called ferretin, btw. So, eventually, you deplete your reserves of iron, and after giving blood, you're screwed. There's a limit to how much iron is accepted in your food, so this is a time-dependent thing. If you're not careful, you get fucked. It killed me this quarter, and I didn't even know it. So, now I have strep. Caused by streptococcus pyogenes, it has destroyed me for the past week. Coupled with the low iron, my work output is basically nothing now. I pity the three girls I came into contact during this past week. I've lived with it since about thursday or friday of last week. It's been harder and harder to get food down. I think this means I have a low tolerance for pain. The good thing is, I get amoxacillin and hydrocodone. It's not as great as I thought it would be. There's no high. It's only 10mg, so maybe that's not enough for me to trip balls. But, I definetly didn't get knocked otu. I have a better tolerance for vicodin, I guess. I pity the three girls I came into contact with over the past week. I haven't really done much work this quarter. I suck at life. I don't really have much to say other than that. Just give me a second, let my mind wander and then it'll be good. Nope, nothing. I'm out. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 11th, 2006
11:05 am	I had another dream last night. I didn't die in this one! I don't remember exactly what was going on anymore. We were all in this building doing some kind of stuff. I'm going to assume it was TA-related, since eventually Freuler showed up. Also, I remember there being a lot of bookcases. Well, one day, in order to get to this building, I had to walk by another one. These two buildings, they seemed not to have out walls. So, I could talk to whomever was in this other building. So, I did, and I gave the people inside some shit for something. I think they said I was going to be late. So I said, "If you have a problem with it, you know where to find me." So, I go over, and as I get there I realize this girl fromt he building has followed me. Then, one of the guys I usually work with notice her, says "now you've done it", and starts running. Turns out it was his sister, and they don't exactly get along. So, she chases him around the building and through the kitchen. It takes a little bit for us to realize what's going on, and we chase them around, trying to calm them down. Someone gets the boss. Of course it is Freuler. He takes care of shit by slamming the girl down. Then he calls the police and haves them arrested. Last night, I hung out with some choir folk. It was great. Then the choir girl decides she wants to tag along. This is fine, but she brought her ex that she's stuck up on. All the rumors of him being a douche are true. Too bad for her. We went to Ci Ci's. It's like this buffet-style pizza place. When I first walk in, I think to myself "Wow, this place totally caters to blue-collar workers." And then I freeze. I've never had a thoguht like that before, I think, except in Lorain. Mostly because Lorain is a town founded by the workers (which is the case for most cities). I feel like a giant when I go back there. It's always good to remember where you came from, though. I mean, I'm definitely....out of the scope of blue-collar workers. I still recognize with them. It's funny to watch the people here at OSU claim there is not a caste system in America. It's pretty apparent when you're there at the bottom. Which is weird, because I was never AT the bottom; all of my friends were. I remember, Jon's dad was unemployed, for years. So, they collected welfare. A bunch of the guys at King I knew collected welfare, and most times they needed it. Now, when I go home, I see them and they have their girlfriends and are working, and don't need welfare any more. But, when you come here and I realize that....everyone here has led easy lives, mostly. Jon's dad used to not buy food with their money. My school was feared by surrounding schools, because it was so "ghetto". The rich white girls from the other cities would not drive through the town, because they thought they would get jumped. We had bomb threats every so often. The classes were kinda shitty. Now, the schools just completely suck. Overcrowed rooms. I think, I could never describe what went on there, to anyone, and get it right. Man. (Comment on this)
Monday, February 6th, 2006
7:13 pm	Shiat. No mono. Probably just an ulcer. I'm so far behind on work. I have 2 homeworks in 723 that I haven't finished, that I need to finish before friday. I have shit due tomorrow in 582 that I haven't even started. I dropped 835 and 694. SHIAT. I'm tired all the fucking time. I can't put my mind to the work. I love TAing, though. Unfortunately, it's the only thing I can keep my mind on these days. And then, sometimes I mess up. Along those lines, I've been feeling myself strangely attracted to some students. I asked one out, that wasn't in my section. That could have been a big ethical mistake. I...pulled myself out of it, though. I think I've finally convinced myself to wait until after the year's over, if at all. Freshmen are trouble. However, I tihnk two of the ones in my class are high-quality. If I'd wait for any of them, it'd be one of these two. It seems to me, that if I make a trip to their dorm room for TA stuff, it's usually an indicator that I'd be interested in them. God, I creep myself out. Which brings me to another situation. It's a weird one. I know my history with this girl is a bit....troubled. But now, she's looking to entangle one of the FEH students in this. One that is in glee club. He's a really great guy, I think. Nothing very special...just nothing very wrong with him. In her words, he's "innocent". I don't think he is at all, that's jsut how he comes off. Anyway, I know she's just going to....break him. Eat him up, and spit him out. I feel like I should.....say something to him. Anna first introduced me to this idea, when she and Filly were talking about totally mangling guys who are not mentally and emotionally fit for girls of their stature. I now see what they are talking about. I think I'm to the point that I can relate to their side...maybe not handle them, but see what they're talking about. My conundrum is, whether or not to SERIOUSLY warn him. I feel like I should be responsible for him....I kinda introduced them. I saw the look in their eyes, and immediately was like ".....FUCK". I'm hoping this isn't jealousy. Well, it is partly jealousy. I'm jealous that she does not choose to spend this time with me. I'm special, goddamnit. I took myself to the fucking hospital and psych doctor. Fuck. I wonder a lot of things. I think, most of the time, I come up with my own opinions very quickly. That can be good, but where cases wehre I am wrong, it could be bad. The time to change my my might take longer than otherwise. Oftentimes, I just say something aloud. Then, immediately afterward, I wonder: "wtf does that mean?!" Sometimes I even creep myself out. You'd be suprised how much information you can find online. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
11:58 pm	It took me to go to the counseling office to realize exactly how many thigns are bothering me. Even then, some of the things I couldn't get out to the lady. I quoted the fucking world energy market, my friends, Triangle, grades, my career, drinking, being descriminated against (slightly), drinking, responsibilities, .....I think that's all I can remember. And then family. There was a list of things you were supposed to check on what you wanted to discuss, and i think I checked about half of them. I think it'll be weeks before I see them again, because there's a fucking waiting line. That's lame. I never realized how much bothered me deep down until I started talking to her and started to get things out. Now that I think about it, it felt really good to be able to get these thigns out. I mentioned that I have had a definite personality shift very recently. i've become easy to snap back at people, mostly without even thinking about what's going on. For that matter, I can say pretty much whatever is on my mind. Sometimes that gets me in a LOT of trouble. Had a nice little conversation with the EE girl tonight. I find it hard to have good conversations with girls face-to-face. I'm looking at my buddy list, and this girl's not on. I'm thinkning to myself two things. One: she's at Ryan's. Two, that lying ***** that maybe gave me mono. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 30th, 2006
7:55 pm	I listen to this song. It's just amazing. The emotions it brings out of me...are some of those I wish to have buried deep. Those that cause me pain when I think about them, so I just cover them with layers of sarcasm and anger. Those that I live for. What a fond sensation, the pleasure-pain duality. It's like a feeling of complete warth. Like I completely belong where I am at that moment. It's amazing. It's hard to explain emotion arisen from music. It's hard to explain emotion, period. I went to see a physician and a psychiatrist today. The physician ran a blood test. The psychiatrist asked some questions. Nothing really happened. It just made me think that, maybe it'll help. And then, right after getting out, I started to feel like shit. The nausea came back. I'm gonna be fuckin pissed if she gave me mono. >< Bloodwork comes back on thursday. I love TA'ing. I got a bunch of good reviews for these journals. It makes me feel like something I'm doign right not direclty affects others positively. My classes....I couldn't really care about right now. I have the knowledge of what I want to do in grad school, and I want to move on to that. Up until then, it's just....going through the motions of graduating. Wheeeee. I think now is when I can positively influence those freshmen the best. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 29th, 2006
9:12 am	I had another dream last night. Or this morning. I imagined that, everything I had due, was due right now. Grading was due. I was fired as a TA because of it. Prof. Berger fired me because I haven't been doing anything lately. I wasn't accepted into grad school because I sucked at filling out paperwork. I fail all my classes. I don't graduate. I woke up in a cold sweat again. I'm going to see two doctors on monday. One is for my health. I have been feeling nauseated, tired, like I have to throw up. Sore throat in the morning. The second is for my head. I'm going to see a shrink. Both on monday. I'm not doing very well right now. I'm fucking up in very bad ways, and I don't know what to do. I can't concentrate on work. I can't get motivated to do anything. I had a fucking panic attack? Bad dreams. I messed up this weekend. I drank twice. I don't know....I suck at this life shit. I haven't been doing my HW at all. This is bad. I feel awful. I'm very irritable. I want to hurt someone. Destroy something beautiful. I want to see crazy girl again. I just want someone to hold me for a little while. I think I need to stay away from the choir girl and EE girl. They're both great, and probably exactly what I want right now. But, I"m not theirs. (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 21st, 2006
5:06 pm	So, I had a pretty shitty week. BME 694 HW due wednesday, didn't turn in. EE 723 HW due yesterday, didn't turn in, and there's only like....3 HW's. Didn't go to EE 835 lecture on thursday. Barely got Physics 632 HW turned in. Couldn't get to the meeting with the NE professors yesterday because of HW and feeling sick. And, I felt sick all week. Maybe I was sick. I'm sitting in lunch with Men's Glee Club; well, before MGC lunch. I left practie 5 minutes into it becuase I didn't care, and I wanted to work on the HW. So, I'm sitting there, and I think I had a panic attack. I'm not exactly sure what qualifies as one, but I definitely felt like complete shit for a little while. Breathing became hard. I thought I was going to die. I knew my HW wasn't going to get turned in. Everything is falling apart. The guys show up, and I get lunch, and Lena shows up, and I'm like...ok. I don't know how to act around her. Fuck that shit. So, she's like, "why are you being an asshole", and I'm thinking to myself, "I'm not, you psychopathic bitch". Of course I didn't say that. There's so much drama between two other people right now it makes me want to fuckin punch someone. They can't get along at all....and neither want to instigate a talk to resolve the issue. I try to push for it, but there's fuckin nothing there. I see both sides have tried to fix it in their own way, but it seems like they're inherently not working together. It's some bullshit. And, there could have potentially been a very bad situation last night, and I feel like my hands are completely tied. Becuase I see both sides. Also, I see why I'm not supposed to pick a side, because there should NOT be sides. We're all supposed to be friends, but it seems like one person is just getting ostracized. Pope and Fred.....are freakin awsome together. I know they're both pretty crazy in their own ways. I think they're perfect for each other. Some of the guys think that Pope's crazy....because she is. But, so is Fred. I totally approve of this hookup. Some people don't like the DOKs, but that's just because they're not friends with them. They should realize the benefits of having good relations with a sorority. Some people might dislike this thought, mostly because they're liberal feminists. Historically (I think) sororities were created to house the wives of fraternity men; maybe give them something to do. Why not take advantage of such an option if it is available? I think, perhaps, some of the members have taken it a little too far...we might have to have a peace conference. I think I'm going to read up a lot on this SiC stuff. It's actually really interesting, in ways I haven't thought about before. The nuclear poeople talk about the semiconductor stuff in almost completely different ways. They're more like the physics people that don't deal with it every day. I reeeeaallly hope I get accepted into this program. Mostly, because I want to have something to do next year. Got, I'm fuckin scared for my next year. I'm scared scared for next year. She....I don't know what to do about She. It seems my...lack of social skill might finally kick me in the ass. Pope says.....forget about her. And I'm like, why? It'd be a nice excercise, right? Jeepers. I dunno. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, January 20th, 2006
7:44 am	How quickly plans change. Perhaps it's exactly what I'm looking for. I've found myself almost completely separated from the current E-week. I haven't been as nearly involved every night as I have in the past. I don't think I don't care, I just don't feel as motivated to do anything. On the same note, I haven't been sleeping very well this quarter. All three weeks, as well, not just the past few days. I can't seem to get some good sleep. I have two homeworks due today. I had one due on wednesday. The only one I felt like completing was the quantum mech. That means, this week, 2 of my homeworks aren't getting turned in. Also, I have a lab due on friday. I need to talk to my profs. I feel like such a slacker. I missed a once a week, 3 hour lecture last night. I think I couldn't concentrate. I'm not sure that I was just using my dizziness from giving blood as an excuse. I couldn't concentrate in the group work beforehand. Apparently, I was really pale. I sometimes feel I'm shallow. I see people who have problems, and I think.....I don't want to deal with this. So I stop talking to them. Or I purposely make it difficult or unattractive to spend time with me. That definitely makes me shallow, right? I have to make sure I don't do this unconsciously (sp) this time. I have an apartment for next year. Scary as hell; only 2 other peoople to live with. I felt this was a good downsize from what I have now. I need to be more....serious next year, whatever I'm doing. I hope I get accepted into grad school. Nuclear engineering. Oh, god. What am I doing with my life? What do I tell her when she finds out I'm really weird? I've been on about two dates in my entire life. Maybe three. I don't know what I'm fucking doing. There's no math here. I feel like I'm floundering. God myself in over my head. I don't know if this what I want or need. But, it felt so good to hold her. Pwned. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 11th, 2006
5:44 pm	Oh, the drama continues.... I am really getting sick of Joe's bullshit. He said "Stop hitting on Becky". Who the fuck is he? 1.) I am still adamant that DOKs really don't fit well with me. I thought I was fairly obvious when I tried dropping hints to her. Honestly, these girls....are somewhat boring. 2.) He should let her make her own damned decisions. 3.) I'm sick of his fucking bullshit. Just drop it, man. *le sigh* What happened? When did I become an outsider? I don't really....belong anywhere. I have so much work to do. No time to worry about this bullshit. As if I would trouble myself to something like that, you piece of shit. Don't project yourself onto me. I'm really insulted that he would say that. It was a pretty shallow comment. Motherfucker. GODDAMNIT! I can't believe this drama has come to me. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 10th, 2006
9:39 pm	Talking to her is awsome......I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the fact that I think she's interested in me. She reminds me of lots of good things. She's not extremely exciting, though. I need one with a strong personality. No, I want one with a strong personality. There is more to a relationship than instant chemistry. Saving yourself for "the one" is no way to live your life. Everyone knows this. There will always be a "perfect". You gotta know what's good enough for you, and go for it, otherwise you're gonna be looking for the rest of life, while someone you would have been happy with is off leading their own life without you. Maybe I'll never find the right one. Mostly, because I defy most (if not all) types of people. i guess that makes me an individual? I'm cutting something else out of my life until I start drinking again. I'm gonna be so full of energy, I think some people will be scared. Sorry, those of you whom I scare. I have about a month left. HAH. I feel like dance and Tai'Chi Chuan are further improving my center of balance and life. I am becoming graceful. I need the power now; to PUMP IRON!!! Later d00dz. (Comment on this)
Monday, January 9th, 2006
10:09 pm	I'm realizing how *somewhat* interesting of a person I am. I have lots to me that I do. I'm past (almost) graduation requirements before spring quarter. I really enjoy TAing. I enjoy all the classes I have. I love singing. I love dancing. I like too many things. I don't think I'll ever find someone who can cut it. I always ignore the bad things, on accident. Now I'm learning to analyze them. Thanks to you, Anna Schwinn. (Comment on this)
12:42 am	Adam Chawansky Boy, what can't I say about Adam Chawansky......let's see. We grew up together, practically. Went to the same elementary schools. But, he moved away for all of HS..stupid FMC closing down a plant and shifting workers to Kentucky. I had hung out with this guy for so long, it basically broke my heart that he was moving. Me and my Lorain friends would travel down to Kentucky (5 hour drive) about twice a year; it was really sweet to see him. His family would come up once a year, because they still had family in Lorain. I still hung out with his cousin a lot; we were good friends in HS. Jon is now in the Navy...a different life than the one I lead right now. In applying for colleges (which I was completely ignorant to at the time) Adam applied to OSU. When he told me he was accepted and was coming here....I couldn't contain my joy. That, I think, was one of the greatest moments of my senior year. Just knowing that I could be around this guy more was awsome. Not that we hang out that much right now....but we'll get to that. He roomed with one of our friends, Ben. Ben is usually a neat guy, but nowhere as neat as Adam wanted him to be. Nowhere. It drove Adam CRAZY. I think Adam is a little...uptight about his cleanliness. You can be excited about being clean, that's fine. But he gets upset when things aren't clean, and I think that's taking it to a new level. For instance, sophomore year when we roomed together, he would get pissed off when my shit would be places it "shouldn't have been"; but he wouldn't say anything, because that's his personality. I don't have a problem with that NOW, I just didn't realize it at the time, and I didn't know to catch the hints. I had never lived with him before, and my other room was a fucking closet. Since then I haven't had a roomate; frankly, I'm a fairly messy person. I'm just kinda sorry that I was a mess when it bothered him so much. Anyway, this guy is one of the smartest people I know, but I think that he's wasting his talent on something that people usualy only do for money. Which is an interesting thing in itself; many people work to make money. Hell, everyone works to make money. But is it ok to do a specific job only because it will get you LOTS of money? Adam is going to be a risk analysis person; put probabilities on people's lives and rule how much they should be charged for their insurance; shit like that. That's in the banking/business realm. I KNOW that stuff is important to society, but I feel those jobs are only for the greedy. The same could be said about engineering, though. It's really a very fine line. Adam once said, when I asked him if he didn't want to do something more with his talents, that he didn't want to live in the ivory tower that is academia. That kinda struck a chord...cause that's what I am interested in. But, he has a point. Where's the implementation there? He's one of the greatest guys I know. Very nice, very motivated, has lots of good features. Has a girlfriend now. That amazes me the most. The fact that he hasn't had a girlfriend before now. I know he's extremely picky about his girls, which is fine, but at some point you just gotta bang that shit out, man. Just for the practice of social interaction (which I lack). Some girl finally paid attention to him long enough to see what he's got to offer. I don't really know much about this girl; he and I don't mix well personality-wise I think, which is a shame. I've tried talking to her, but there's just nothing that I can say as of right now. Adam's crazy about her. I saw that look in his eyes before, and I felt touched myself. I don't really know where to start with Adam. I've always thought he was that one step higher than I am, on everything. Working out, staying busy, taking hard-ass honors math sequences, staying on top of things, never getting lazy. Sometimes I try to see what he's lacking, because I'm jealous. I'm not jealous of many people, but of him....maybe. We don't hang out very much any more. I don't hang out with many peopel very much, including hte people I live with. That's a combination of WoW/drinking/classes/working/other shit, and I think I need to hang out with people before spring quarter. Esp. Adam, because I don't know, after this year, when we'll be able to hang out with each other very much. If I make any one New Year's Resolution, it would be to hang out with him more. OH, there was one time in the dorm. Him, Justin, and I decided that we wanted to take a nap together on my bed. Which was really awkward, because it's a single. It wasn't very homo-erotic, I think, but I'm still not completely sure. I didnt have an erection, at least.... I remember in the beginning of sophomore year when he was trying to get with MIchelle Armitage. I was totally a dick to that, because I kept on saying asshole-like things; probably because I was jealous. But it was hilarious at the time. Sorry, dude. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
12:16 am	So, I haven't had a drink in like, weeks; it feels great. I love being sober. I didn't expet this. However, this has made me realize how much money I spend on other things. Like food. And books. Fuck books; I'm going to sell a lot of mine tomorrow, hopefully. Another ramification of not drinking has been my excessive playing of World of Warcraft, and the noticable decline of my social life. I barely leave my room. People have started to make fun of me for it. There might be other reasons for my excessive playing...but we won't delve into those reasons. Well, I still have to apply for grad school....I have so much to do for that; wait, maybe not. The application's filled out. I'm waiting on GRE results; btw, it was AMAZING. 570 analytical and 750 quantitative. That's above average for grad. eng. students for both of the scores. I'm still waiting on the written portion. I didn't feel as secure in my responses; but, those scores barely matter for my tests, so w/e. I'm supposed to meet with Dr. Merrill tomorrow morning after TAing to discuss being a GTA for regular freshman engineering. The problem is, I have too much of an ego; I'd really like to TA FEH more than FE, just because it's honors. I know that FE is less work, and you get paid about the same...but it's still the prestige. I added another class a few days ago. I like keeping busy, apparently. I'm gonna give myself grey hair. I already have grey hair. I've never been seriously attracted to an engineering girl. Minus Anna Schwinn. But that's complicated *WINK*. :-D Anyway. I've been recently attracted to this one girl....open, cute, smart, grounded, and exciting enough (I think) for me. I don't know how best to approach her. She started talking about children. Not necessarily with me, but just in general. At first I was scared. And then I remember that I'm just in a transition period. And then I was intrigued. Then there's the choir girl. Kinda uptight. Might be wild in bed-type. Then again, she might look at a penis and start crying. She's really nice, though. Sugar and spice and everything nice. Kinda...nice. Reminds me what I used to look for in a girl. Reminds me that....maybe I've taken a turn for the worst. Then. c/s I've never been more hesitant to get out something on this medium more so than I have been right now. I've been feeling better lately. Still staring at the screen. c/s Haha, I just remembered. On New Year's Eve, I asked Justin, "So what's up with Sasha", and he was like, "Jesus, you're worse than my mother." Which is kinda ironic that he said Jesus, since he's a Jew and his people killed our lord. ;) c/s Well, I'm gonna write about Adam now. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 5th, 2006
2:18 am	I stare at this screen. Like anything in my life is ever going to change. I'm gonna end it sometime. (1 Comment |Comment on this)